Dear Mr. President:
After you “Make America Great Again,” can you please “Make Television Great Again?” We understand that from now on it’s “America First,” but can television be “Second?” We’ll call it, “Television Second.”
You have heard all the “fake news” coming from the online people (bad people, by the way!) and from the dishonest media declaring that television’s dead. Nothing is further from the truth, OK?
Yes, television is suffering, but because of all those imported programs from Mexico that end up on Netflix and Amazon, and because, even though China owns half of Hollywood they still put restrictions on their own imports. What a bunch of losers!
But you can still make television great again. You can tax U.S. TV exports to China and ask the FCC to build a geo-blocking wall all along the southern border that Mexico will pay for. It would be so great! So awesome!
And, if the FCC doesn’t know how to build an Internet geo-wall, you can always ask Putin to do it. He knows how to enter the U.S. cybersphere. He’s great, a terrific person, who, like last time, would do it if you invited him, and everyone knows it.
Television is still tremendous entertainment. Great value, believe me. Granted, Arnold is not doing as a great job as you did on The Apprentice, but that only means that you still have a job after the bad Republicans with little hands make you leave the White House. Terrible people, by the way. Every one knows it, OK?
Lately, television has not been too nice to CNN either, but that’s because they report fake news. What a bunch of losers! On the other hand, you have seen how tremendous FOX News is doing, right? No fake news there. At FOX, they create the news! Real cool stuff! And they’re terrific people. Everyone knows it.
How can the BBC (by the way, they’re just like CNN, a bunch of losers, OK?) report that you don’t like Muslims when your executive order did not ban people from Pakistan, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia and UAE? Everyone knows that you love to do business with Muslims! Fantastic people, believe me, OK?
I know that you love television (after all, you’re still The Apprentice’s executive producer) and you know that television is suffering because Mexico and China are killing it. But look at your ratings! –– 33 million viewers just to hear you announce the nomination of Neil Gorsuch for the Supreme Court. And those are just in America. Can you picture how awesome the global viewership would be if we included that of Russia? So great. Totally cool! And that was for something that most people didn’t even know anything about, and everyone knows it. Imagine how high the world TV audience could go when you are going to launch your nuclear weapons? Totally cool! Fantastic show, and television will become great again.
Thank you, Mr. President.